Squeaky Wheels of the World Unite!

In the past year, I have become quite the expert at the art of getting free stuff through complaining. This development has come as a bit of a surprise to me, as in the past I was always the sort of person who let things roll off her back. My sense of empathy was so well-developed that I could excuse all sorts of behavior. Poor service? Oh well, they were probably having a bad day. Incompetent staff? Well, good help is so hard to find! Technical difficulties? Happens to the best of us.

While I am still in possession of inordinate amounts of compassion, I have come to recognize that sensitivity and free stuff are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I can feel for the person or understand that certain situations are unavoidable, but still complain and benefit nonetheless. I believe that the complaining trait was inherited from my mother and lying dormant, waiting to be expressed. I have one memory of her having a Boy Scout (who was extolling the good price of the apples he was selling) wait at our front step while she called the local IGA to confirm that his claims were indeed true. She and my sister, Alicia, are much more prone to complain than am I, and more prone to do so, in a shall-we-say "expressive" manner. However, this goes to show that I have come across this recent trait quite honestly.

So what led this dormant trait to suddenly be expressed? I believe that inspiration came as a result of seeing my boyfriend, James, talk the cable company into giving me 6 free months of HBO as a result of having me on hold for 45 minutes when I was trying to move my service. Two months later, when the cable was out during the "Dreamgirls" episode of Oprah I had been looking forward to all month, I asserted myself and got $15 taken off my bill!

Other recent coups? $25 gift card from Home Depot for getting transferred to wrong departments, disconnected, and put on hold for an inordinate amount of time. $100 Delta dollars for having an inoperable movie screen on my first-class seat on a 5-hour flight from Portland, Oregon. 7,500 points (3/4 of a free night's stay at a 5-star hotel) from the US Grant in compensation for incredibly slow and slightly rude service from their valet staff.

Now, before you get the impression that I complain just to get complimentary booty, let me be clear that is not the case. I always tip generously for good service, and sometimes commend people to management. I still do let some things go. For example, if I have a dirty fork and there is another silverware set on the table, I'll exchange it myself. It's not like I've become the equivalent of a litigious American. However, for those of you who are now inspired to get your fair share of redress for suboptimal service, I thought I would share a few tips I have found to be particularly useful to this end:

1. Try to complain via email as opposed to telephone. Email leaves a paper trail and also gives you a chance to really think about what you want to say and express it in full without getting sidetracked by the person on the other end of the phone. Plus, the person on the other end of the phone is trained to say things like, "I understand your frustration" which may only serve as irritation and cause you to lose your cool.

2. Keep your cool no matter what. Shouting matches never work. You want to convey that you are a highly reasonable person who has been wronged. You want them to feel for you enough so that they will want to help you.

3. Pull rank if you have it. I'm not one to call myself "Dr. Thompson," but I will make sure the PhD shows up by my name if I'm complaining. If you are a loyal customer, mention it. Even better if you have some sort of standing with the company (e.g. being platinum or something like that).

4. Sound as learned as possible. I find it is helpful to channel the Queen in this regard. Instead of saying "I couldn't believe this #$%^&#!," say "I was most displeased by the lapse in service at your establishment." You want to convey surprise and outrage, but in a controlled fashion. Use words like "unacceptable" "shocking" and "disappointing." Point out good service that you experienced at their establishment so that you sound balanced. Also, this acts as a contrast to the poor service, and provides further evidence for the shock you must have felt by the uncharacteristically poor treatment. Make sure to indicate that you expect some recompense. (e.g. "I would hope than an appropriate remedy will be forthcoming, and look forward to same") Keep it Elizabethan, if possible.

5. Make it sound as if you are torn about continuing to frequent their establishment. You would love to continue with them, but just don't know if you can with what happened. If they think there is no chance that they can win you back over, I think this lessens your leveraging ability. Also, try to sound as influential as you can, so that they get the idea that you may be able to sway others from utilizing their services if they don't get back into your good graces.

6. Finally, elevate if necessary. If they don't offer you anything in return, ask again or make an appropriate comment to shame them into it. For example, to get my airline dollars, I had to point out that I could understand why the airline was having financial difficulties if that was how they were treating their most valuable customers. Try to sound haughty without being condescending (this may take some practice).

Well, those are my tips. Now get out there and start complaining!!!